soldiertomother

I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a while life is throwing a few major curve balls my way. I am ok and Ethan is ok. We will just have to wait to see where life takes us.

Can anyone really ever completely understand their family dynamics? I am not talking husband wife kids, I am talkin immediate to extended family, inlaws, parents, brothers sisters, neices nephews etc. Now my family which is I would say a medium sized family, I have a a sister, a step sister, step brother, 4 nieces, 1 nephew 2 great nephews, a great neice. Not to mention the the husbands and wives of those that have them. Of coarse a mom and dad (step dad but he is my dad regardless I will write that post later) Of those people I would have to say that outside of my sister, her hubby and 2 kids and a few of the neices I don’t really have any contact with them unless it is the holidays. Up until about a 6 months ago none of us talked except at holidays until we all were finally on facebook! LOL  Were am I going with this well to be honest I am not 100% sure.. I guess I am trying to understand our family dynamic ecspecially when it comes to obligation to family.

Here is what got me thinking, my mom whom I love dearly I talk to her at least twice a day, last night when talking to her on the phone, we were talking about the renewal ceremony and 2 things came out of this conversation, 1. she does not understand why we are doing this and would rather us spend our money on other things. 2. If we do end up having this (which we will no matter what) she doesn’t think that I should invite all of the above mentioned family, most of that family is on my dads side of the family. We are not all that close, but they were at my first wedding, and I am a true believer that we are ALL a family. My mom seems to have a hard time accepting those that are not blood related, she does not consider my step son her grandson and that breaks my heart because he is old enough now to understand things (14). She has never really accepted my dads family, but yet my dad has accepted our family fully. Understanding how step families work and how dysfunctional they feel at times drives me crazy..

I think that it would be wonderful to have them there, My Step Sister and her Husband signed our Marriage Certificate they were our witnessess. So why would they not be there?

If you have a blended family how does it work? How do I make my mom understand why we are having this ceremony? I have tried to explain it to her, she thinks that it is because we want another wedding a wedding do over. That is not the case in the least bit, We are having this ceremony because the hubby and I have walked to hell and back and then to a different part of hell and back again. We want to celebrate that we made it 10 years! You have to figure that I was 18 the hubby was 28 when we got married not to many people thought we would make it. We have have battled through military deployments, deaths of friends and loved ones, the birth, death, and burial of our babies. Numerous miscarriages. We have also had many good times, fishing together, being together, the birth of our son. We want the renewal to renew our hope for another decade, to bring us closer as a family, to celebrate Gods blessing. I am done venting now… J

A good friend of mine sent me a text message yesterday, she said that she felt compelled to share with me something.  I said okay whats up. Not thinking that what she would share with me would give me a little bit of piece and comfort.

“I am reading a book called Revealin Heaven and i came upon a chapter called “the face of a child Heavens nursey”, I felt compelled to tell you that one day when you arrivie in heaven that you will be able to raise that baby, God told me to tell you to name it, that that baby will know that you cared enough to give it a name but also recognize that the baby is there.” She said I am shaking as I text this to you almost overwhelmed with tears. Please know that the baby is growing and that one day when he/she is grown up enough that they will go to live with your family until you can arrive. She said I cant tell you how overwhelmed I am by the Holy Spirit. She made me promise that if we ever miscarried again to name the baby.

This came at a time when I had been having a hard time trying to decide which way to go for now I know that we will continue our journey somehow but for now there is something else on our horizon…

TO BE CONTINUED….

The new year is for new beginnings and new leases on life. I am excited to see what this year brings. Discussion around our house lately is how much we want another child but yet we are struggling to find balance with all the loses. I honestly don’t think my heart can take another loss. I am really struggling at the start of this new year. I feel like I am free falling it is an uncomfortable and I don’t like it. I want to have faith that the Lord will guide me in the right way. I just have to listen with my whole heart and not let my emotions get in the way.

The new year is the chance to have a new beginning, so that’s what I am after- when I figure out what that is I will let know…

I am not sure how many people follow me on a regular basis but for those of you that do I greatly appreciate it. I received an email today asking how I was… I realized that I have not updated in a while since the loss…

It seems like I am only updating when I am preggers, and then when I lose the pregnancy then I give up on blogging but that HAS to change I find such comfort in blogging, I find hope in every ones stories, and I have made some really great friends. Blogging is so comforting and it is so great when you really need a friend and all you have is fertile friends…  

After suffering this loss, I have really begin to question what I am gong to do, do I continue to battle or really give in. I thought we were done before and then we had an appointment with the doc and it gave me so much hope, I thought it would really work and it did, until the unforseen change of events crushed our hopes and dreams. I started thinking WHY ME?? I cannot answer this question, maybe I will never be able to answer it but I know that there is a purpose, Even while greiving this lossI am finding out that I am so blessed… For example- The other night the my precious Ethan came up to me and said I love you momma.. what he didn’t know was that I had just taken the ultrasound picture of the twins and put it in a drawer and it made me pretty sad, I was choking back tears and I realized how blessed I am.

I question the reason why I want a second child, sometimes I feel like I am tempting fate. I have heard from other infertiles that I should just be greatful that I got one.. While I am extremly greatful for that I cannot help that my heart desires more. I love Ethan with all my heart and soul he is my miracle and for now that is what I have. I don’t know where we are going from here, the husband is behind me either way, although I am sure in his mind he leans more towards the being done part.

So my question to you all is am I being selfish for desiring more?

We miscarried the twins… We thought there was some hope  over the weekend but this morning ultrasound confirmed the loss.

What a whirlwind of a weekend last weekend, and this week is going to be busy as well.

I have become very addicted to pinterest if you have not seen it you need to check it out! It is on online pin board, you can pin things and that you wanna try, like I found a great reciepe for chicken taquitos, I have seen some great portrait ideas. (if you don’t know I am also a photographer you can see that blog @ www.sharedmemoriesphotography.wordpress.com  

I think that this is great because as I find ideas of things I wanna try I can just pin them and remember! If you wanna try it out leave me a comment with your email and I will send you an invite. You can follow me at Shared Memories.

Ethan is doing just wonderful, I was able to take him to the park and get some fall portraits. I have never been happier with the way that they came out. I am going to try and get one more this afternoon a family shot with all of us. The hubby, myself, Cole and Ethan. (Cole is my 13 year old step son) we will attempt but I am not promising anything! 

Okay here is what you have all been waiting for… The pregnany stuff, we are feeling pretty good have not been too sick, but VERY exhausted. I went to bed at 830 last night and could have slept much longer then I did, but a silly alarm clock went off at 5:30. I really dislike mornings. My hips have been killing me (this is even before pregnancy) I sit in an office all everyday, and I think it is really effecting my hips and back, they ache to the point of being unbearable… I am going to go to a chiropractor soon because I am really thinking that it is because I am out of whack… So hopefully I will solve the hip pain issue sooner then later because I know that it will only get worse.

We had a doc appointment Monday, I was orginally scheduled for Wednesday but the doc wanted to see me a little sooner, to have blood drawn and check a few things. So we went in and everything still looks great, the babies had strong heartbeats, Baby A was at 136 and Baby B was at 165 ( I think we have a girl and boy based on heartbeat…LOL) But we will see, It is so hard to not get excited about being pregnant, but I find that I am so reserved this time that I don’t want anyone in real life to know what I am hiding. Maybe because I am afraid that something will go terribly wrong just like it has in the past or maybe I am just afraid that it will result in twins in 8 months and life as we know it will change forever. I guess I am just nervous about what is to come fear of the unknown…

Well I woke up this morning… With some very severe pain in my lower abdominal area. I’m talking enough pain to think someone is ripping your uterus out of your body with no pain meds. So off to the ER I go… Nurse comes in says to give a urine sample and change into a gown…ok no problem give the sample, change into the evil gown. Doc comes in, first thought why couldn’t he be some old doc with grey hair. But nope he is this young gorgeous doc and hevis going to be checking out my lady parts. Oh gee. Anyway he says anyway u could be pregnant? I say no that we had a failed iui last cycle. Meanwhile I know that the nurse is doing a pregnancy test on my sample… Pretty soon she gets the big smile on her face… She waves the doc over to where she is at the counter in the room. He laughs and says congratulations you are pregnant. I am in shock… So moving forward doc says let’s get an ultrasound to make sure its not ectopic.. ok no problem… So we go to ultrasound about 45 min later. To our surprise not only was there one beautiful beating hearts there were 2… We are cautiously expecting twins July 2012….

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